Let’s just face it, Americans. Yo can get some strange ‘love’ at the airport! After all, there’s NO TIME for socializing, going to church to meet someone, or hanging out in establishments that cater to the ‘young & beautiful’ looking for that special some One. Every second of every day is filled with to-do lists, after-work errands, studying for college exams and getting physically fit & buff to lure one of the opposite sex for friendship, hand-holding and romance on-the-run. I’m sure there are gazillion studies on how our fast-track life and rat-race existence is squeezing out any hope of a normal, happy, warm and affectionate life-long companionship and/or marriage for 99.9% of our population. *tricksy titters* Miss Nanny State has once again been called to duty to solve our companionshiplessness state of being once and for all. She has culled the best-of-the-best experts in sociology & psychology; she’s called for party-planners, cocktail hostesses, recreational management outfits and, I’m sure, the nation’s top behavioral scientists to corral this enormous show of matchmaker expertise to come up with a program, a one-size-fits-all enterprise to help us channel our, ahem, natural basic human needs.
Seeing as Miss State was so proficient in removing gawd-awful poisonous additives from our food supply, like, say, Aspartame.. Aspartame was deemed the devil in Devil’s food cake. heh heh Just kidding. Now, when Americans found out this dangerous substance was (discovered by accident by a chemist of G.D. Searle Co. looking for an anti-ulcer drug) used as an artificial sweetner in bottled/canned soda, lunch meats, canned foods and yogurt (of all places! and a ‘health food’ item to boot), the (d)evil food manufacturers were forced to remove it from our food supply. Whew! Actually the FDA put a hold on aspartame in 1974. (A nifty aside: in 1985, Monsanto (yes, that one!) purchased G.D. Searle and created Searle Pharmaceuticals and The NutraSweet Company separate subsidiaries, ahem..). So, to continue with my lecture, aspartame accounted for over 75% of adverse reactions to food additives reported to the FDA. Some adverse reactions were very serious, including seizures and death; as well as, headaches/migraines, dizziness, seizures, nausea, numbness, muscle spasms, weight gain, rashes, depression, fatigue, irritability, tachycardia, insomnia, vision problems, hearing loss, heart palpitations, breathing difficulties, anxiety attacks, slurred speech, loss of taste, tinnitus, vertigo, memory loss and joint pain. Source
Nasty stuff, exclaims PopUpCommontater! So the food manufacturers caved, mea culpa’d, took aspartame out of the foods that Americans were complaining about. heh heh. So.. that was the end of aspartame poisoning. Until they started sneaking it into our gum and breath mint products.
Now, Miss Nanny is solving our love lives. Bringing us all together in happy Can-You-Hear-Me-Now! moments. Taking the pain and time-consuming element out of dating and matchmaking. Miss State is bringing us all together in airports across the nation to experience drive-by huggings, pats-on-the-backs, gentle hands under our skirts, brushing our, ahems and junk, telling us in harsh – or gentle tones – how they (them being what’s aptly named Touch Some Ass agents), want you to move your body for them. Some
grope-a-dopes TSAers like it rough, fast and clumsy, while others some combination of politely solicitous, apologetic and/or genital gentle. Just like in real life. Except standing up. With your clothes on. Just like a virgin. (Oh, sing it Madge!) And who said the federales never think about or solve problems of the ‘little people’ uh huh?
Our Miss State (mistake) can do for American matchmaking what it did to correct the mistake of allowing aspartame in our food supply by removing it from plain sight and hiding their malfeasance in other products (motives), but we will (click, click) continue to be loved and handled with care, or not, by those who need a good feel while making us think we feel.. good.. about being safer. See?!? It’s a win-win. Everybody gets to feel, well, felt. loved. and cuddled. And best of all – there’s no strings attached! No expectations! No moving a relationship along too fast. No awkward moment waking up in the morning to a stranger! You have the last laugh – you’re leaving.. on a jet plane!
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to goooooo..
[Thanks to you, John Denver; written in 1966]
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